blog three: choosing myself, for myself & my health

my health journey hasn't been an easy one.

fears after fears have come. some have gone, some have lingered & some, I still continue to transmute daily.

people have called it a battle, & for some time it truly felt like that - an unending battle. & yet there have been so many different kinds…physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual. 

i know one day I will go into some of these depths, you might even catch a glimpse of them in my poems. but for now, I want to express just how important it was for me & for others to change my mindset & my beliefs, about myself & about my life. because for a long time, I didn't think there was a choice when it came to "being okay". however you might define it. but in time I realized there was, & that there always had been.

i never thought I deserved goodness. i never thought I was worth it. & for as long as I can remember I gave all my goodness to those I loved, & to those who needed it.

when I found out one day my health was at risk, there wasn’t an abrupt change within me - as if I suddenly just started caring enough about myself. the only changes I felt, besides the illumination of some very dark fears, was an intense need to take care of my family.

it was because I cared about others, that I felt like I had to have hope, & that I had to choose myself. & so, for a long while, I chose myself, to have hope for myself, so that those that I loved could have hope too. i didn’t want their fears, that were so similar to my own, to come true. i didn’t want their hearts to break, because of me. it felt like the cruelest thing I could do - to hurt them with my “sickness”.

this was the shift I felt at first. this desire to show them that I would be okay, just so that they didn’t have to worry. but time & time again, this shift, this mindset, this type of drive (to survive for the sake of others) was never enough. there was defeat after defeat. & so many times I felt like the universe was trying to break me.

it was only when I chose myself, for myself, that my health improved.

i don’t quite remember the first moment that my mindset changed, when i knew my subconscious & conscious beliefs, my lack of self-love, my low self-worth, & my need to please others above myself (at all times), was destroying any chance i had at becoming healthy again.

but slowly I began to love myself, hope for myself, & trust myself because I at some point, I wanted to do it for ME. i wanted to believe that I could have goodness. that I could have joy, peace, happiness, love & freedom. & then it kind of started to seem like the universe wanted the same for me.

so now, every day, I choose it all - again & again, & again.

& now I am the happiest & so far healthiest I have ever been. & still, I will continue to choose myself, to love myself, & want more for myself because I know now, that all along…

i was worth it.

this is why my health journey is no longer a battle. so, however you'd define it is up to you. but I choose to be healthy, to be happy & to be so full of love, that anything of its opposites has no space to exist within me.

fear still comes, anger still arises, & darkness encourages me to remember & reflect upon all of my pain every now & then. & through each uncomfortable triggering emotion, memory, thought & toxic conditioned cycle - I hold space, I surrender, I let go & I choose love. for me. for you. & for everyone.

we all deserve a life of love, joy, peace & freedom. we all are worth it.

so if you want it, you just have to start choosing it.

you have to start choosing YOU, for YOU.

sending love & light always, Bella.