blog eight: a brief look into the journey of grief & love

Grief, I believe, is one of those words that truly struggles to describe the whole of its existence & all the experiences that it is meant to encapsulate.

When we think of Grief, we think of loss. We think of the pain that losing someone or something we loved caused us. We think of the many stages that we go through, because of this loss.

Yet, there aren’t quite enough words to describe these feelings or these stages. The many feelings that play a role in our grieving, our mourning, our confrontation with loss, & its aches, that all lead back to how much we loved, or even how much we didn’t allow ourselves too. It is a journey of realising what we had & what we lost, & of being faced with the harshest of truths. It is a journey that not many talk about, because of the incomprehensible experiences of it all.

But it is a journey I wish to talk about today.

In this blog post, I will be exploring Grief - how it impacts us, as well as how it encourages us to love (if we are open to it). I also want to explore the role that grief plays in our life, in so many more ways than we expect it too. I want to talk about the scars, the aches, the confusion, & the people we become because of it all. So for todays exploration of Grief, I feel it is important to share some of my own experiences.

Let us begin with a poem that I wrote years ago, when it seemed that grief was entirely unfathomable…

*Trigger Warning: Grief, depression, suicidal thoughts & feelings, loss of loved one, etc.*

[missing words when i am missing you - unpublished work]

i fear that my words

aren’t enough

to describe the hurt,

the ache that engulfs,

the agony that consumes

when all i am

is missing you

I grew up in a family where separation was evident. My mum & dad divorced when I was very young, but luckily they had a healthy relationship that allowed them to communicate & co-parent quite effectively. My sister & I stayed with my Dad every second week or weekend, except when he was away working. He worked for the army, & this meant, he was often training or working overseas, often deployed for months at a time. This in itself was painful. He was my best friend, & my safe place, knowing he was so far away, where weeks & months went by with little communication was anxiety-inducing. Moreover, it was confusing when my mum was dating & seeing new people, & now suddenly I had a step-dad & two more baby sisters. However, the love in my heart grew for them, & subsequently the love in my heart grew in fear, for missing my dad. It was strange to feel like my whole world was changing so drastically, all while he was away & unable to be with me.

As if my whole world was going on without him, & I had no power to do anything about it. When I was 10, this fear had come true, more than I ever thought was possible.

He was killed in Afghanistan on the 20th of August 2010, by an unidentified IED.

The day that we found out was the 21st of August, the day of my little twins sisters birthday. When they turned two, it began quickly with a celebration for them, & just as quickly it became the turning point in which my whole world would have to go on without my dad. I was forced to acknowledge, what felt like the cruellest joke being played on me by the universe.

That my dad was just gone. No last goodbye, no last hug, no last email, no last I love you. He was suddenly just wiped from my reality. As if it were so easy, & simple, for him to no longer exist.

The denial was strong. How could he be gone? He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t let himself get hurt. He was strong & brave, & the toughest of them all. He’s my dad, he’s meant to protect me & keep me safe. How could he just not be here? Are you kidding me? This has to be a joke. I could call him, or I could text him, & one day I would hear from him, as if it was all some big mistake. Because how could this be real? But then the new owner of that phone number replied & apologised for my loss. My dad wasn’t going to respond.

That’s when the anger was consuming. I hated the world. I hated the army. I hated my dad for leaving. I hated that he could let himself die. I hated that he left me to take care of my family. I hated that my mum couldn’t be the mum we needed or deserved. I hated that I had to step up, & pretend I was okay so that no one would feel bad for me. I hated myself most of all, because I hated everything that I was feeling. I hated my dreams, my feelings, & my thoughts. I was stuck in a world, where he wasn’t there anymore. It was unfair & it was cruel. I didn’t understand why I had to lose him, & why I had to watch my sister go through it all. I hated that there was nothing anyone could do to make me feel better. I hated that no one could understand. I hated that no one really tried help. I hated that I had to be strong, because that’s what they all called me, & now that’s all i’ve ever known.

The bargaining helped me to escape from my reality. It had me waking from dreams where he had come back to life, or had me believing that maybe he was injured, lost & waiting to be found. Maybe if I put all my energy into keeping my family happy, he would be proud. Maybe if I shoved my feelings deep down, & focused on keeping the peace, things would be better. Maybe if I took care of everyone but myself, & pretended that I was okay, I would be okay. Maybe if i refused to cry, there would be nothing to cry about. Maybe if I did a good enough job at being strong, understanding, selfless, & took responsibility for my mums pain & mistreatment toward us, as well as protected & took care of my family, maybe the universe would reward me, maybe my Dad would come back after all. Maybe it was still just one big joke, all these years later. I would do anything for him to be alive again. I would’ve swapped places, so that my family would feel less broken. I would’ve given up everything just for him to come home, because he didn’t deserve to go, & he would make everything better.

The depression was years of numbness. Riddled with waves of confusion, of crying myself to sleep, of being woken by my tears, of feeling abandoned & unloved, of loneliness that never left, became buried & yet tainted my perspective of love. It was a depression that was well hidden, functional even. I did it all, I took care of my family, whilst feeling the ache & agony of my existence. I didn’t want to be alive. Everything I was, everything I was doing was for my sisters, my family, & to make my dad proud. There was no other point of my being except to please, keep the peace, & distract them & myself from all this suffering.

The acceptance, was the most painful of them all. Facing the truth & accepting my reality. Realising that no amount of wishing, praying, begging for him to come home, could change the fact that he was gone. To accept that he was never going to come home & save me from all this pain. I would never hear his voice, see his smile, make silly jokes with him, hear him say I love you, or feel his hug again. All I could do was love him, & remember his love. All I could do was be grateful that this love existed, & still does. Because how lucky was I to have had him at all. How lucky was I to have loved so deeply, & still do.

This was some of my journey through grief & its stages. Yet there was so much in-between. Even still with all of these words, it isn’t enough to capture grief.

Yet, through all this pain & suffering, from grieving my dad, myself & my childhood, it has taught me so much about who I am & how I love.

It has helped me realise, how my journey through grief, has always been about my journey toward a greater, & unconditional love - of self, of loss, of my dad, & of my life & my many experiences.

I am not writing this today, to tell you that Grief is more than just pain & loss. I am writing this today to give you the courage to love deeply & fully even through loss.

They say that time heals all wounds, & in many cases it can. But its not time that is the healer, time is just a factor, a tool to give yourself the space to feel & experience whatever it that you need too.

You have all the time in the world to accept all that you have lost, & yet only if you give yourself the time to do so. Only if you can be kind enough to yourself, to be loving & soft with your pain & suffering. To know that your grief is valid, & that it is safe to be felt & expressed.

& when you are ready, it is safe for your grief to evolve. Not to detach & to let go of pain, but to accept just how strongly you have loved & love all that you lost.

To grieve is not to be weak or vulnerable because of your feelings. To grieve is to have courage & to honour just how deeply you feel.

To grieve is to honour the depth & the beauty of your love, through loss.

Because in many cases, we do not realise the depth of our love, or how lucky we are, until we are faced to live without it. The thing about love, is that it never disappears - it expands, it evolves & it always exists. Despite all the pain, the suffering, the missing & wishing that my Dad was still here, I will forever be grateful for this love that it has shown me.

Because, grief has uncovered within me, unconditional love.

[a poem excerpt - my unpublished work]

& then i fell apart,

because in all of my grief,

i finally found so much

pure & unconditional love

I send you love on your journey through grief, for whatever it looks like through you & for you.

With Love, Bella.

blog seven: truths about your he(art) space

Hello my loves, & thank you for connecting in today to read another one of my blog posts.

Todays blog post, is focused on the heart space, & all of it’s infiniteness. We will explore the power of your heart space, your connection, your love, some of your fears, & the truth of your heart. Not necessarily your individual heart truths, but the collective connection & our universal experience - one that we all share. No matter your beliefs, assumptions, values, or teachings - your heart is your truest connection not only to your highest self - but to the universe, & to all others.

Today we will embrace our connection to our heart space. However, if you are not yet ready for this, then maybe today you can expand your awareness & prepare for the day that you will be.

Your heart space is not defined to only the organ that sits between your lungs, which beats to supply oxygen & blood to all parts of your body - no, your heart space is so much more. I am not specifically referencing that of your heart chakra either, although this is all very much intertwined. Each teaching about the biological, emotional, & energetic facets of The Heart, support the knowledge & the vast understandings that encapsulates, the importance of your heart space.

Your heart space is your truest & deepest connection to SELF. It is beyond your mind, beyond your emotions, & beyond any & all physical aspects of your human self & body. There is not just one way to describe the heart space; it is a portal, a channel, a vortex, a soul connection, & a connection to your source of existence - of being. It is your connection to SOURCE - to the purest form of energy - of life - of creation - where beingness, nothingness & everything begins (& ends).

To honour the heart, is to honour the entirety of your beingness. This includes all of the facets that make up WHO YOU ARE. Thus, when you honour your heart, you honour your most true self.

As we discuss the significance, the meaning, & the truths of your heart space, we will explore ways in which you can connect to your heart, ways to listen to your heart, & ways to channel your heart into your daily life - so that you have the tools & the understandings to live a life that is most authentic to you.

The heart, is the centre of your universe. To tap into the heart, is to tap into the power of creativity, of abundance, & of pure energy. When you work with your heart space you can identify ways in which you can manifest, create & follow the paths that are most aligned to your highest & truest version of self (for this current individual experience). You are also able to connect with ‘past lives’, infinite timelines in this reality, to soul family, to your highest self, & to source. There is truly no limit when you open up to your heart space - to the infiniteness of being (your being & universal being).

Before we discuss ways to tap into the magic of your heart, it is quite common for many of us to have blocks or stagnant energy in our heart space. These blocks can occur due to trauma, childhood conditioning, negative experiences, generational trauma & patterning, & so much more. So let us identify some blocks that are commonly found within those that need a bit more love & emotional flow/release surrounding the heart space/chakra.

Heart Blocks & Imbalances

• frequent feelings of loneliness

• holding grudges against those you love

• frequent feelings of jealousy or envy

• frequent fear of betrayal or heartbreak

• consistent feelings of needing to be rescued

• consistently struggling to trust others

• frequent victim mentality or behaviours

• frequent feelings of loss or grief

• lack of empathy or compassion for self & others

• self sacrificing & martyr mentality

• frequently feeling like a burden

• feeling unlovable or unworthy

• inability to let go of past wounds

• often impatient or restless

• cycles & patterns that leave you trapped in toxic relationships

• weakened immune system

• physical heart pain or aches

When identifying any of these experiences or potential imbalances within your heart space, it is important to remember just how common it is to experience any or all of these! Please know that as human beings, we are here to experience a vast spectrum of energetic, emotional, mental & physical thoughts/feelings/patterns. These experiences help us to better understand & explore ourselves, as well as guide us towards a self that we want to embody - a version of self that feels aligned.

We will never be fully healed (we are here to experience the journey of healing & evolution), however, we can expand our ability to be aware, to forgive, to release suffering, to open up to newness, & to evolve. Take note of these imbalances so that you can better identify which patterns you may want to change & grow out of! This takes “work”, healing, acceptance, & opening up to your whole self. However, it is entirely up to you if you want to explore these imbalances & work towards a greater alignment within yourself - listen to your heart!

As we delve deeper into the heart space, know that there are so many ways in which you can connect to the inner whispers, messages, & desires of your heart (as well as the blocks & the imbalances). Connecting to your heart can be done through stillness & movement. Your heart is your centre, it is the core of who you are. So when connecting to the heart, it is important to engage in activities (of stillness & or movement) that feel authentically you. This does not require thinking or logic. This requires you to surrender to your being, & the way in which you feel called to express this.

You might feel called to dance, to sing, to write, to cry, to laugh, to paint, to yell, to sit, to meditate, to orgasm, to read, to listen to music, to walk, etc. Only you will know how to connect deeply & authentically to your heart. Only you will know how to connect & then express the truth of your heart space. When you feel called to do so, take the time, & surrender to the innate desires that arise, & let yourself fall into this connection - surrender to the call of your heart. Be open & ready to listen.

Through this connection, you might feel pain, sadness, guilt, regret, relief, joy, passion, inspiration, love, forgiveness & so much more…If it has been some time since you have connected with your heart space, it might feel incredibly uncomfortable to sit in & observe the feelings that arise. Although, the need to disconnect & snap out of this space might be tempting, do your best to find comfort in this uncomfortability. In time, beneath any pain or discomfort, there will be a spark of joy, of pleasure, of excitement, & love for yourself & your life. These feelings DO exist within you - trust your process.

A great way to transmute any pain, discomfort or heavy emotions that linger or have been trapped in the heart space - is through creative outlets.

Creativity is truly the essence of life. Creation is where we all began - it is an expression of pure energy, in its many forms (existence & experience). Creativity, however it calls to you, is a natural tool & form of healing. Where pain can be illuminated, accepted, validated & transmuted into love & appreciation, for yourself, for your experiences, & for your ability to turn suffering into art. This is a natural talent that we all possess. Unfortunately, much of society dissects & heavily critiques art.

Art is an expression of us - art is an expression of The Heart. Art is the truest & most authentic expression of our SELF, in our simplicity & complexity - OUR WHOLENESS. However, it calls to be expressed, channelled, & created - it is YOU. The journey of your experiences of your existence as a human & spiritual being so far. Art is not meant for curated & idealised perfectionism - it is meant for authentic self-expression of the heart, of the soul, & of your inner universe.

So when it comes to healing, to growth, & to your evolution, let your forms of ART speak & be expressed. Because whether you realise it or not, this process always comes from the heart. In time, you will notice just how much healing you have experienced through your art, & your connection & creative self-expression of your heart truths.

Much of the beauty of this journey, of diving into your truth, is that there is a balance of chaos & peace. Just as love is so important & integral to our lives, so is pain. To feel pain, is a gift. This might feel wrong to think or believe, as it might feel quite untrue. However, let us explore this notion further, there is a deeper truth in this knowing.

Pain often comes when love is seemingly shattered. Pain can come from sadness when we are hurt. Often, it is because we love or have loved, & when we feel it has been taken from us or damaged, & then we feel pain. We feel the pain of this loss of love. Where we are left heartbroken - our ego often transforms this into anger, bitterness, revenge, toxicity & more - because deep down all we wanted was love & we have experienced the loss of it - at least in our perception & belief of this experience.

When we sign up for the experience of love, in its many forms, we sign up for the experience of pain. When we sign up for any positive experience of this world, of ourselves, we sign up for its true opposite. It is the ultimate balance of the universe - the ultimate laws in which we all exist.

Light & Dark. Love & Fear. Yin & Yang. To experience one, we must experience the other.

How will you know the true meaning of darkness, if you do not know that there is also light? How could you compare? How could you experience something fully without also experiencing something else? How could you truly appreciate your wealth, if you have never experienced scarcity? How could you appreciate your beauty if you have never experienced your ugly? How could you appreciate your light, if you have never experienced your shadow?

Your heart seeks the fullest experience of all that exists within this universe - within your universe. So, when there is pain, when there is heartbreak, this is only possible because you have the capacity to experience love, whether it is “lost” or has not yet been “found”. You have felt pain because maybe you experienced a “loss” or “lack” of love (know that you can only recognise something that resides within you, otherwise how would you know it - how else would you identify the feeling?). But, do not limit yourself to experiencing only pain, loss & suffering. Your heart has felt this, & yes, you might feel this again, but you innately also seek more. It is the natural flow, expansion & evolution of the universe.

So whether you are open to it or not, love will come, pain will come, life will come. Why not open your heart to all of it & let yourself experience it fully?

Let yourself experience ALL that exists for you & from you.

Let these experiences support your growth, your healing & your evolution.

Let your heart guide you & be ready to receive.

With so much Love, Bella.

blog six: embodying your feminine energy

The Sacred Geometry of Feminine & Masculine Energy.

For today’s blog post, I wanted to explore not only the topic of feminine energy, but how to embody & move into this flowing & being state - in our everyday life. So that many of us can find a balance with our feminine & masculine in a way that works for our lifestyle & our well-being.

First, let’s begin by briefly exploring feminine & masculine energy…What is feminine energy? Is it a social construct? Is it biological? Is it a gender norm? 

Feminine energy is a part of each & every one of us. As is masculine energy. It is our feminine & masculine energies that come together to make up our whole.

Neither is tied to gender or biological sex. We all have masculine & feminine energies within us.

Feminine energy = being. The feminine is intuitive. She receives & she allows. 

In her balanced state, she is receptive, feeling, empathetic, vulnerable & creative. 

In her imbalanced state, she is powerless, manipulative, needy, co-dependent & over-sensitive. 

Masculine energy = doing. The masculine is logical. He gives & uses reason. 

In his balanced state, he is projective, focused, achieving, confident, driven & goal-oriented. 

In his imbalanced state, he is aggressive, confrontational, controlling, & competitive.

Both feminine & masculine energies in their balanced states are essential to creating & living a harmonious life. 

So, now that we have briefly explored these innate energies within us, we will explore the impact of the these imbalanced energies. As well as how to move into our feminine, after living for so long in our masculine.

Traumatic experiences & childhood conditioning often play a huge role in our ability to tap into either our feminine or masculine energies. We can be pushed to the edge of both, & become hyper-masculine or feminine (energy-wise) in the way we approach, process & experience the world. It can even impact the way we perceive ourselves & thus how we act or react to different situations. They can often be tied to our behavioural patterns & toxic cycles, in which our imbalanced masculine or feminine energies are prominent. 

For example, in a balanced masculine state, having a hard-working nature is efficient & productive. However, when our masculine energy is heightened, we can go into overworking, & our connection to our feminine energy can be disrupted. If any trauma or negative experiences impact this behavioural trait, it can become an ingrained pattern or response to specific traumas, to overwork ourselves. Which ultimately causes us to suppress & disconnect further from our feminine energy. Over time, it can then become difficult to connect to our feminine energy, thus leaving us in an imbalanced masculine state even without triggers. This can leave us easily stressed, irritable, rigid, & emotionally disconnected.

When one energy is imbalanced it can disrupt the balance of both our innate feminine & masculine energies (yin & yang). Which ultimately make up our whole, & can thus affect our entirety - both in our internal & external worlds. This can affect our emotional, energetic & physical bodies. Leaving us physically sick, unable to emotionally regulate ourselves, or negatively impact our mental health, due to long-term stress. E.G. dis-ease emotionally, energetically, or physically, can lead to disease in any or all of these areas.

There has always been a correlation between our internal energy systems & how it impacts our more obvious psyical or mental health. It is important to be aware of & prioritise our energetic & emotional states of being. We, as energetic & spiritual beings, living in physical human bodies, innately desire & work toward balance. It is our external environments, genetic coding, & generational trauma that play a role in disrupting this balance, as it separates us from our natural beingness - who we truly are. However, it is up to us to ultimately heal & find our way back to our naturally balanced states of being.

Beyond the trauma, the conditioning, & the generational karma.

One of my personal struggles relates strongly to that of existing predominantly in a heavy masculine space. It is why over the past few months, I have been exploring softness & beingness, by allowing myself to return to my feminine state of being, so that I could find a balance within both; being & doing.

On a previous blog post, I wrote about being before doing, as a way to manifest & create your desired life. This process shares similarities when moving from the masculine to the feminine.

So, here are some ways to explore your feminine, & to bring balance to your life again, if you have struggled like myself by living in your masculine for too long.

Balanced Masculine & Feminine Energies

From Masculine to Feminine - Ways to Embody the Flow

• Allocate time for YOUR BEING SELF daily - time for nothingness.

  • When I write ‘nothingness’, it isn’t anything complicated or elaborate. It is exactly what the word says - nothing. Whether it is lying or sitting at home or in nature, do more of nothing.

  • In a heavy masculine space, your instinct (conditioned instinct) is to constantly be doing something.

  • When breaking away from this conditioning, you must find comfort in doing nothing. In simply being. Whether it is 10 minutes of staring into space, staring at your ceiling or the walls, or even at the ocean. Or maybe lying with your eyes closed with no real intentions or direction. Surrender to nothing. Surrender to being.

  • For a while, this may be extremely uncomfortable - you will experience thoughts of ‘laziness’, ‘boredom’, & even anxiety - you will feel like something is wrong because you aren’t actively doing. Your body might be so afraid to stop & be, because it feels like it needs to be ready & on guard to take action or to make plans.

  • Remind yourself that you are safe to be, that you are safe to exist. You are safe to enjoy nothingness.

  • 10 minutes of nothingness every day will encourage your body, mind & emotions to adjust to enjoying the peace that comes from doing nothing - being. It is our most natural state, & we have been conditioned for so long, to go against it - to repel it - & to be so fearful of it. Take the time now, to priorise this being state. Take the time to prioritise YOU.

• Connect with your emotions - feel their flow.

  • This one again, is incredibly simple. Connect with your emotions - play with them, explore them, & allow them.

  • We are emotional beings, many of us with the capacity to experience great spectrums & intensities of emotions.

  • Again, after living in a heavy masculine space it can feel difficult & uncomfortable to be vulnerable with yourself, & to allow yourself to feel your emotions.

  • A balanced masculine energy respects & honours the feminine for allowing her emotions. An imbalanced masculine energy is fearful of these emotions, as he has ignored, suppressed & even “hated” his emotions. This side of you that may exist, does not know how to handle, process, or regulate these emotions after they have been for so long suppressed. This is why the imbalanced masculine may fear them.

  • When working towards balance, it is important to engage in activities, new or old, that encourage us to feel. There may be anger, fear, joy, sadness, guilt, jealousy, excitement, & love that arises. They may come in waves, & there might not always be a reason for them. Logic is not needed for emotion, as logic is a tool to help honour & respect emotions for their existence, not to justify, rationalise, or compartmentalise, but to be aware of & appreciate them. This is where you can also learn to become the observer - meditation is truly a wonderful tool for this process.

  • Start small with journalling, painting, drawing, dancing, or listening to music that gets you into your feelings - into a flow state. Do this by yourself, & create a safe space where you can simply feel whatever it is that you need too. This is a journey. There are no rights & wrongs. You don’t need to do anything with these emotions right away, you just need to create a space within & externally, so that you can honour yourself & your emotions for their existence, in whatever form or shape they may take.

  • Find comfort in the uncomfortable. In time, this will get easier, & you will feel less overwhelmed by the suppressed emotions. You will be able to regulate them, & become aware of why they exist, & what healing they can bring you. You will begin to realise that you are not your emotions, but that they are energies in motion that you get to experience.

  • The feminine allows & surrenders to her emotions, not to control them, but to allow them to flow freely. She knows they will pass because it is in their nature to move, to flow, & to be in motion. She knows that they are tools that can teach her about herself, & her infiniteness.

• PLAY - with simplicity, softness, spontaneity & sensuality.

  • An imbalanced masculine energy can often lead to rigidness or the inability to be flexible - essentially the masculine can struggle to go with the flow, which is a key part of the feminine energy.

  • Allowing simplicity in your life creates space for softness - where you can focus on appreciation & gratitude for yourself & your world. Simplicity could mean removing the clutter in your home, keeping your space clean & fresh, lessening your workload, prioritising rest & play over work, & spending more time in nature, etc.

  • Simplicity can be prioritising joy over stress & anxiety. Although this might sound difficult, there are patterns of behaviour that you can introduce into your daily routines or ongoing stress cycles, that can become a habit that you are working toward instilling.

    • For example: When you feel stressed or feel the anxiety & the pressure of a to-do list & or workload, rather than allowing your stress to consume you & then drive you to complete all that you need to, replace that behaviour with one of simplicity & joy. Purposefully choose to do something else that you enjoy or that helps you feel relaxed until it becomes comfortable. Repeat this until it becomes a pattern for you to choose peace over stress & simplicity over complexity/anxiety. In time, your body & mind will automatically adjust.

    • It is that much more difficult to complete tasks & get work done when you are in a negative or overwhelmed emotional & mental state. Getting into a positive flow of emotions before beginning any task or work makes things flow - it helps you get all that you need to do more efficiently & with ease. It becomes a healthy balance of feminine flow & allows the masculine to do with much more ease.

  • Softness can be categorised into numerous ways of being. It can be self-care, affirmations, being in nature, feeling your emotions, listening to music, embracing pleasure, & so much more. Softness is a space where you priortise feeling safe & secure - until it becomes natural. From here, softness can become anything & can play a huge role in your life.

  • As I have mentioned, the imbalanced masculine can be harsh & rigid, whilst a balanced masculine is confident. With this confidence, the masculine trusts himself, his abilities, his talents, & his choices. He knows when it is important for softness, care, & vulnerability to be prioritised - he embraces the feminine. He needs her softness to balance out his directness. Within you, you innately strive for this balance.

    • Create space & time to be vulnerable, & to be soft with yourself. This is where you learn to trust & find confidence within yourself, & to know that you are a multifaceted being. You can be soft & direct, you can be strong & yet allow vulnerability, you can be flexible & yet know when to make plans. Any choice or reaction to the world that arises from fear or anxiety, is where you redirect this energy & choose from softness & simplicity instead. It is an active choice until it becomes a natural habit.

  • Spontaneity & sensuality tap into the innate passion of the feminine. It is important to get to know yourself, your desires, your dreams, your pleasures, & your ultimate WANTS.

    • Logic may push you to follow the plan, stick to the rules & traditions, & create structure - for all of your relationships, career choices & even financial decisions. Logic is a beautiful & wonderful tool to help support you through this human world & society, as it is predominantly masculine energy.

    • However, as I have mentioned before, being comes first & doing comes after. Being could be the gut feeling - your intuition, your emotions, your desires & more. Where doing comes in, it is the plan of action you take after you have come from a place of being. If you are living your life being controlled by your mind & by logic, you are living only from your masculine.

    • Allowing spontaneity & sensuality means exploring your feelings of freedom, of joy, of passion, of pleasure, & of love. For the world, but most importantly for yourself. Make last-minute plans, say yes to more fun, do things you’ve always wanted but have always been too scared to do, be more wild, dream & follow your dreams, be romantic with yourself, listen to your inner voice over everyone else, & choose love over fear. This is not about choosing the feminine over the masculine, it is choosing a balanced feminine & masculine over an imbalanced masculine.

    • A balanced masculine does not make decisions out of fear. Fear is not logic. Fear has been introduced through conditioning, trauma, expectations, societal “norms”, & so much more.

    • The feminine feels what she wants & what she loves, & the masculine takes action toward it.

As you can see, there are many ways that you can embody your feminine energy, as you also strive for a balanced masculine energy. It may feel very uncomfortable at times, because you may have been conditioned to live a certain way for a long time. & as I have mentioned, traumatic experiences can also negatively impact your ability to feel safe & find balance within. So, be patient with yourself.

This is all part of the healing journey - the journey of discovering & embodying your true & whole self. Make time for yourself - for all parts of you. Choose love again & again. Be & then do.

With Love & Light, Bella <3

blog five: manifesting with the natural flow of energy

Hello to all tuning in to read this blog post! I wanted to start by saying a huge thank you, to all the lovely people who enjoy reading all that I have to write. Each blog post is truly so different, & offers insights in a variety of ways. Insights which I hope offer you something valuable & much needed.

For this blog post, I will be exploring the topic of manifestation (yes, a very popular & highly spoken of topic).

I’ve never truly felt called to diving deep into manifestation, the techniques, the guidelines, the tips & tricks, or even the theoretical foundations that many speak of. Mostly because it has been spoken of, time & time again, but also, because I never felt called to this topic, in the same way in which many have discussed it. However, I have recently been exploring the feminine flow of life, within my own experiences, conditioning & personality traits. So much so that during a meditation recently, I felt mind-blown by the downloads & ideas that came to me.

All of which can relate in many ways to the topic of manifestation.

I have written below a small guide in which many can begin the process of manifesting & shifting their life towards their desires, using the understanding of the feminine & natural flow of energy. Specifically concerning the conditioned masculine processes, in which our society has been built around. Please know, this topic has nothing to do with gender or biological sex. It is purely focused on the energy of all. Feminine & masculine - or even, Yin & Yang. The two sides of a coin. The balance of creation - the balance of life.

But let us first begin with energy.

Our perception shows us that we live in a physical world. A physical reality. The expanded 3D.

However, we know that this is not all that there is. There are several dimensions which exist & make up the universe, as we know it & un-know it. So let’s discuss the important ones for this topic.

Before this physical 3D world, there was a purer sort of energy, in different forms.

The first dimension, pure energy. Source. Awareness. Existence. The second dimension, space & time. The third dimension, experiencing space; awareness of time. Able to reflect on and manipulate space, but time is fixed. The third dimension expanded, experiencing the diversity & complexity of space. Our entire 3D universe, physical & non-physical.

Although, we live mostly in a 3D physical world…

We experience this only because we first existed. We experience physical, only because we first existed as pure energy. The physical was born from pure energy.

The natural flow is first to be (to exist), & then to do (experience), & then to become (expansion).

To manifest what it is you desire into your life, in a way that follows the natural flow of energy, it is to be & then do, & you will become. To exist, so that you can experience - so that you can expand.

You will soon see how this is applied to a manifesting guideline. However, you might be wondering how this applies to the feminine & masculine energies that i’ve briefly mentioned.

By explaining how these concepts are important, I want to discuss how all of this came to me. I had this realisation, that lately I have been existing predominantly in my masculine space. When I was approaching business, life & even some personal matters, everything was routine, everything was scheduled, everything was happening in a rigid & forceful sort of way. I was in a space of constant doing. I was in a masculine flow of energy. Which, yes, at times is very important for this way of living, especially in the society that we have. But, the issue was not the masculine energy itself, it was in the way I was using it.

It is a common mindset for many, that in order to be who you want & to live & exist the way you want too, you must first do. You must work & work, until you get to be. It has been ingrained into us that we have to work at a certain level & at a certain pace for a certain amount of time in order to receive the fruits of our labour - in order to enjoy the things that we have worked so hard to achieve. We have been living like this for a very long time without knowing that this masculine flow of energy, that this order of doing & then being goes against our natural way of existing.

Remember, it is be & then do. Just as is our creation - exist then experience. 1st & 2nd dimension, before the 3rd dimension.

Again, this isn't to say that doing in the masculine state of flow is unimportant. There are times where we can work at a certain level, & we can do things at a certain level for a certain amount of time & we will achieve the results that we were after - the things we want will manifest. However, because it goes against the natural state of flow & our innate beingness - it takes longer - because 3D exists after 2D (space & time). It goes against the natural order of existence - the natural flow of energy. Energy in it's pure & natural state is easy, soft & it flows. As is the feminine. It has its innate power of will, just as the physical manifestation of energy has its innate power of will, & both are important to achieve balance. However, it is the order, & the process of the feminine & masculine that is crucial to understanding this manifestation guide (& for a naturally flowing life).

So, now that a brief foundation has been laid out, let’s begin going through the steps for manifesting or shifting toward your desired self/timeline…

Manifesting with the Natural Flow of Energy

1. Identify the timeline/version of you, that you desire or want to manifest.

Who do you want to become?

It is important to first, identify & breakdown who it is you want to become. Currently, in your subconscious & conscious minds, you believe that your current self & this other version of you are separate. In a physical sense of reality this might seem true. On an energetic level it is all the same. The difference in perception is what causes separation.

You are an infinite being, who exists in an infinite version of experiences of the self. In many ways you may have placed this desired version of you on a pedestool, & thus it may feel out of reach. It will be important to align yourself equally with this different version of you.

2. Identify the physical & material items that you want.

What are the things that you want?

It is a necessary step toward aligning your current self with the desired self. You need to identify the physical & material items that this desired self has, that you currently do not. We are going to use the masculine way of doing, & reverse it. To shift from the conditioned doing to the natural being. Not to identify the doing & the having to begin the process of manifesting, but to understand why we desire & want these physical things.

The doing is a tool to help you understand the being. The doing does not exist to one day be. Masculine energy is born from feminine energy. We be so that we can do. We exist so that we can experience.

We believe so that we can achieve.

3. Identify & understand the energies & beliefs that you have tied to those physical & material items (this will explain why you want those material items).

What are the underlying energies of these physical things, that you truly desire?

• E.g. If it is designer handbags that you physically desire, what is the energy of these designer handbags that you believe will fulfill you?

• What does the desired self have energetically that you believe you do not yet have?

This step may be one of the most important steps. By understanding the energy that these material things represent, you are closer to breaking down the barriers between the current self & the desired self. By recognising the beliefs that you have attached to these physical items, you will understand the energies that you believe are the missing pieces to your fuller self (desired self).

e.g. if you believe designer handbags will make you feel more rich & abundant. You have identified an energy/feeling/belief that you are “searching for”. An energy that you have not yet discovered within.

4. Identify the feelings & energies that you believe differ from the current version of you.

What does the desired self feel & believe that you currently don't?

What do you believe about the desired self?

What do you believe about your current self?

What are the differences between these beliefs?

We are infinite beings existing across infinite experiences of ourself. We exist in all forms, in all ways. They are all you. Thus this desired version of you exists within you. You are what you desire.

The difference is in perception.

You are searching for a version of you that already feels abundant. A version of you that already has those “designer handbags”. The masculine way of doing, asks you to work to achieve that abundance in a physical sense. So that you can enjoy the feeling of abundance, after the doing.

The natural & feminine flow of energy (being), asks you to exist as someone who feels & believes they are abundant. So that the physical reality can reflect this. So that the feminine can birth the masculine. So that you feel abundant, & then you can create from it. So that you can be, & then you can continue to do.

5. Embody those energies & that way of being first (not yet the doing).

Who are you going to become?

Once you have identified the perceived differences between your desired self & current self. You are then able to close the gap. You can then embody those energies, & become that version of you from within. It is important to be that desired self, on a naturally energetic level. Tune into your intuition, & your flow state. With the focus of allowing your desired self to exist within.

It is not a force of becoming, it is surrendering to being. It is not taking on the routines & physical rituals of the desired self. As this forces you to physically become someone that you do not believe you energetically are. This way of doing asks physical energy to change being energy. It can happen, but it takes longer, as physical matter is denser energy. Being energy, is free flowing. It is easy.

To embody the energies of the desired self, starts within. Your emotions, your thoughts, & your beliefs. Your perception.

This is a process defined only by you & your natural state of being. There are no guidelines, no rules, no specific ways of doing.

This is a process of your own being - how you will surrender, & allow yourself to exist & be. Who you had once desired, as the person you now are. Physical can help support this journey, & this process. But it is not designed to rule it. The feminine flow is essential.

Allow yourself to feel abundant. Allow yourself to believe it. Allow yourself to be it. The doing can help with the consistency or triggering of these beliefs, but it will not create it.

Be & then do.

I hope this brief guide has been able to not only show you ways in which you can manifest your desires, but has provided you with insights about the natural flow & order of energy & it’s creation. You are more than just a physical being. You feel, you think, you perceive & you believe. These things are not always physical. There are non-physical (energetic) undercurrents to all things that exist.

It is the very nature of existence itself - our existence.

Tune into your natural energetic flow - beingness - & create from it.

With Love, & Light, Bella <3

weekly energetic insights

5th - 11th of Feb, 2024

Welcome to The Energy Oracle! This week’s energetic insights focus on several differing spaces for exploration within the self & your world.

We start this week with a call to rest, recover & rejuvenate. Last week’s energetic shifts propelled us in a direction of change & transition, where not only our physical bodies had to adapt, but so did our minds & our energy bodies. Thus, at the beginning of this week, you may feel more tired, exhausted, & drained, & may even experience headaches, dizziness, or other symptoms of dehydration. It is essential, that when your body calls for it, you take the time to rest, relax & reset. Engage in quieter & softer activities, that help you feel relaxed, & encourage easier sleep or naps. We, as a collective, are experiencing high energetic frequencies, which our body & mind need rest to adjust & ease into. The more you rest this week, the more you will notice that things happen with ease & flexibility.

There is a message to “Rise Above” this week, specifically when energies begin to overwhelm you. This is when rest is also essential, as is meditation, & being out in nature. You are being asked to rise above the intensity & overwhelm of energies that you may be experiencing internally. You are to remember that you are not just your body, you are not just your mind, & you are not just your emotions. Practice softness & quietness this week. Remind yourself that just because parts of you are experiencing intensity, it does not mean that all of you need to suffer from this. Listen to the parts of you that are calling for help & extra support. Do not listen to fix or remove. Listen to love & hold space. Listen until it quietens. Listen until you soften.

Being in nature, & appreciating its beauty, will help you to soften & calm any anxiety, frustration, or confusion. Mother Nature is a natural healer, & she will show you how to simplify your life, without having to minimise the beauty or its unique intricacies. Nature’s garden will help you to understand your mind garden. How to care for it, nourish it, soften it, & bring peace to it. When you are in nature, experiencing its natural beauties, do you not sit quietly, observe, appreciate & breathe deeply? Try this with your own mind, body & heart. Treat yourself as you would nature. Listen, appreciate, soften, & breathe deeply. This is how you connect & allow for a natural flow, rather than getting caught up in its movements or causing disruptions. You can sit back, & allow for nature to exist & be experienced. Do the same with yourself, & allow for flow. This is how you can not only find more peace, & relaxation within, but also how you can expand your awareness, & practice becoming an observer of your thoughts, feelings, & body needs. You are your own natural wonder, so learn to appreciate its beauty by simply being & allowing.

This week there is also a call to explore & expand your imagination. Reconstruct your ideas & beliefs about what your future looks like, play with “what ifs” & expand your expectations. Your routines are changing, & they are changing for the better. Your world is changing, & new opportunities are being presented to you over the next few weeks & months, which are coming from outside the box that you have been living in. Use your imagination to think more wildly than ever before, play pretend & open up to a greater ocean of possibilities. Whether it is a creative project, a move, travel, redecoration, a change in job or career, or a shift in friendships & connections - open yourself up to a whole new world. Start with your imagination, & the more that you open up to your natural flow, & let go of resistance, the more you will watch it unfold within your world. Adventure & spontaneity will also serve you well this week & the coming weeks, as it will shift you into spaces where the unknown becomes known. Remember, it is safe for you to explore, expand & evolve. What this looks like, is entirely up to you & your ability to let go of restrictions & limitations. This is why your imagination & ability to venture into the unknown is essential.

The plans you had hoped for, & the dreams you had been working towards are still in the process of unfolding. However, you cannot be in control of the path at all times. It is important to allow the natural flow of the universe to work its magic so that you can live out your dreams. Dreams are called dreams for a reason. They start with our desires, our subconscious, & our imagination. For them to become real, you need to let go, & flow in alignment with the natural processes of the universe. This means - surrender to the unknown. Surrender to the natural timing & order of sequences, so that your dreams can come to light. You cannot know every step of the path, as it is a co-creation. You create the dreams, & your world brings them to life. This is why, the more you focus on bringing balance & peace to your inner world, this can reflect in the outer. Your innermost dreams will reflect in your outermost world when you give it the time & space to unfold naturally & in its most divine timing. Just as Mother Nature is constantly evolving, changing & shifting, so are you. The more pressure you put on Mother Earth to change, the more you disrupt the flow of her natural beauty. This is the same for you & your worlds.

There is a New Moon in Aquarius, this Saturday the 10th of Feb (AEDT). New Moons are all about newness, creation, beginnings, manifestations, & intentions. & Aquarius is all about BIG thinking, imagination & daring beginnings, & paired with this New Moon, this week sets you up beautifully to take full advantage of the natural, creative & imaginative energy that is essential for your dreams to become new beginnings.

Enjoy the energetic shifts this week, & remember to surrender to the natural flow of yourself & the universe. Because after a period of rest & rejuvenation, always comes a period of creation & new beginnings, & that is exactly what is in store for you throughout this week & next.

With Love & Light, Bella.

Key Words/Messages:

• Rest

• Rise Above

• Mind Garden

• Natures Beauty

• Timing

• Imagination

• Simplify

• Adventure

• Surrender to flow

• Listen & Soften

• New Beginnings

weekly energetic insights

29th of Jan - 4th of Feb

Welcome to The Energy Oracle! This weeks energetic insights highlight newness & evolution, as we begin this week by shifting more strongly into the heart space, with a greater awareness & understanding of our healing self.

We have just come out of a week of intense healing, & opening up to the love we have for ourselves & how we may have been sharing this with others. We may have explored the way we held & gave love, & the unhealthy patterns & cycles that were so tied to our identity & perception of self. We have identified key inner workings & programming within ourselves that have now shifted us into a whole new space, where new cycles can now begin! A cycle of nurturing, self-love, consistency, & maintaining a strong foundation for ourselves, so that when we outpour love, that is no longer to the detriment of ourselves or others.

The start of this week will have a large focus on continuing to explore the new intentions that we are setting for ourselves - surrounding all of these key aspects of the heart space, & our ability to feel safe doing so. We are going to be exploring how we can show up for ourselves, how we speak to ourselves, & how we create for ourselves.

As we have gone through several endings over the past few months, internally & externally, we are finally tapping into the space of newness that is available for us. & we are doing so from a higher vibrational perspective & energy.

The foundations that we have built within ur & around us are changing - & changing for the better. There is expansion occurring! However, for some this can be confronting, as change isn’t an energy that many people are comfortable with. Prioritising your ability to feel stable & secure will be essential for you, as this energy will also pour over into the next 2 weeks.

You will notice that when change comes, our systems do not always feel well-equipped or “ready”, often sending us into spirals of anxiety or overwhelm. Sitting with yourself this week & reminding yourself that you are safe, stable & secure will help you to shift through the energy of change & expansion with more ease. Your internal world will have large reflections on your external world this week, so allow your mindset & perception to shift easily into gratitude & flexibility to ensure that these reflections are positively influenced. Meditations that connect your heart chakra to your root & sacral will help with your ability to feel & hold the energy of safety, security, & stability - no matter the external influences.

A return to innocence, is also calling you this week! This means returning to the parts of your inner child that need love, support & nurturing. Allow old creative hobbies or activities that you enjoyed as a child to come forward, & prioritise nurturing through play. See the parts of your joyful, free & innocent inner child within your current self & expand on those traits, qualities & beliefs, & vice versa. Where there is fear or negativity, create a sacred space within & externally, to transmute the fear & pain of old memories, into a positive & loving rework of the now. Essentially, engage in activities or hobbies that your younger self loved, or would’ve loved, to help you process & transmute childhood fears & trauma. From pain to joy! From fear to love!

For some there is a call to rest & reset from the intense healing & transmutation that has been ongoing. Whilst for others, there is a call to create & maintain motivation for all that is coming! You may also feel both sides of these energy shifts, so it’s important to remember to go with your inner flow - you will always know what is best for yourself.

Towards the end of the week, there is change! The key energy that is presenting itself is some form of movement. There could be travel, vacation, moving home, or visiting family & friends. Some of this may be spontaneous, with little to no cemented plans. This lack of cementation may bring uncertainty, which is why it’s important earlier in the week to expand & work on your inner security. This energy is not occurring to bring frustration or negativity, but rather to encourage an inner evolution. How will you handle change? How will you adapt or be flexible when plans change or when there is a disruption to your ideas? How will your internal world react to unplanned travel, movement, changes, or a call to action? Are you well equipped for physical & non-physical shifts?

There is joy & enthusiasm available for you in your expression this week. So tap into this joyful energy to help you transmute any fear, anxiety, & uncertainty! Express the old ways as a way to release & transmute, within new formats & modalities. Essentially, speaking with more joy, gratitude & love for all that has passed can help you shift through “unstable” energies with more stability.

Remember, everything that happens - is happening for you, not to you!

I hope you thoroughly enjoy & get the most out of the upcoming energetic shifts this week. There is newness & change for all! Let it serve you & your growth.

With love & light, Bella.

Key Words/Phrases:

• Newness

• New Cycle

• CHANGE

• Return to Innocence

• Inner Child Healing

• Imagination

• Heart Flower/Space

• Stability

• Security

• Vacation

• The Between/In Between Worlds

• Expression

• Enthusiasm

• Acceptance

weekly energetic insights

22nd - 28th Jan, 2024

For this upcoming week, we will find ourselves in a space of expansion, revelation, & openness to a greater version of ourselves that we have been working towards.

The first message for this week explores love, the heart space, & our current, yet expanding capacity for the forgiveness of self, others, & thus the appreciation of more. Love Unbound - love without limits or restrictions. A love for self & others, where conditions fall away.

This week you will feel a shift within your heart space that highlights your growing capacity and space to receive & give love, but more importantly, to hold & be free with & in love. You will notice sensations in your heart space, as well as your throat chakra, as you begin to experience, feel & express a more authentic & unconditional love. It may begin first with yourself, & then you may feel it pouring over into your relationships, with your friends, family, clients, co-workers, & even acquaintances & strangers. You will feel a surge of appreciation & love that you have not fully experienced before.

For many of you, who are already in this unconditional loving space, you will begin to show others more & more of their ever-expanding capacity for love - in all its forms & experiences. Your ability to love fully & freely will guide others with a nurturing & yet strong hand. Your love will feel powerful, divine & all-consuming.

For some, it may feel overwhelming, because you have not quite experienced this fullness of love before. However, the more you sit in it, move past the resistance, & surrender - you will be grateful for this ‘new’ space & being of yours. Love unbound is what you will feel & be this week.

This week will also be important for prioritising self-nurturing. Be your mother, father, lover, friend, & safe space. Be your nurturer. This greater connection to yourself will also allow you to see the parts of you that had not experienced this kind of devotion, support, or love before. Not only will you fill these parts of you with love, but you will empty the old & the memories that brought suffering. You will purge, with the energy of the full moon that comes this week, the reasons for this suffering, & for this lack of love. You will feel a need to forgive yourself & others, for their past & perhaps current inability to provide you with the love you so deserve.

Setting intentions for your expanding self will also be an important energy of this week. You may notice the desire or the pull to bring purpose, & to set goals for the opening of space that is occurring within you & your relationships. There will be time & space for you to create a smoother-flowing channel between your heart & mind. So to establish a greater connection within yourself, to allow your choices, actions & beliefs, to stem no longer from the past, but from the expansion of the heart, & thus the unfolding love for yourself & your journey.

You will notice that it feels important to be more aligned with your own heart than it does to live a life that is based on only the thoughts & perceptions of the mind & ego. Your perception of self & your world is changing rapidly, & any old beliefs & limiting patterns will be purged with this full moon also. Anything that had chained & blocked your heart space, & thus your being, from experiencing a greater capacity of love & openness, will be washed away if you set the intention & surrender to it.

You will begin to feel a space for wholeness, a separation that once existed within, & thus externally, will start to fall away also. You will start to taste wholeness in every aspect of life after this purging & washing away of old chains, restrictions & limitations. It may feel overwhelming at times, to feel more of your fuller & whole self, thus, grounding will be important to prioritise this week during this intense time of expansion & revelation.

With love & Light, Bella <3

Key Words/Insights:

• Love Unbound

• Intention

• Nurture

• Grounding

• Wholeness

• Revelations

• Expansion

• Unfolding Light

• Heart, Throat & Mind Connection

• Purging of Old

Full Moon in Leo, peaks on the 26th of Jan 2024.

blog four: experiencing, knowing & growing

at this point in my life, I often find myself reflecting on my growth, & how much my life has changed because of it.

the way that I write this, might make it seem like that I am boasting about my growth, but it’s more that I just find it so fascinating. it is such an integral part of our lives as spiritual & human beings.

we are born, we grow, & we die - this phrase makes it seem so simple.

& perhaps the idea of growth is simple.

but when you think of your own growth - of your evolution as a being. how exactly did you become the person that you are today? what does your brain know about yourself & your life?

the human brain is so good at making many of our experiences bad. our memories are often riddled with uncomfortable emotions, thoughts & realizations of the past. & when this happens, usually we go into a space of avoidance, denial, shame, regret, & or wishing that we had never experienced some of the things that we did.

how insane is it, that our brain does this to us? how insane is it that our response to the past is so negative most of the time? these experiences were your life. it was your brain’s version of how you lived the life that you have. it is embedded into your subconscious, & plays a role in your dreams. however, we often tie this to ourselves in a way that doesn’t necessarily help us.

is it not true that many of your past experiences - now memories in your brain - affect the way you react & respond to all present situations, which then creates & influences your future?

it’s almost as if you are constantly reliving the same experiences over & over again…just with different people, in different places, & maybe in different ways. but all in all, they are always the same.

you are likely constantly re-experiencing life as the first real version of yourself. you are constantly re-living your life, as the version of yourself that had not yet grown, but exists only as the self that you know.

to grow, you must first experience. & you have done this time & time again. but maybe, for some of you, you have not experienced something NEW in a long time. & i don’t mean this quite literally…i mean that maybe you have not experienced new feelings, thoughts & patterns in response to situations that may be new for you.

your brain only knows what your subconscious beliefs tell it. everything else is just ‘a potential’ until it becomes your reality — until you choose it over & over again.

of course, this can’t necessarily be said for your first memories & childhood conditioning. you had no choice but to experience what you experienced. not in the way you can now…you HAD to experience things so that one day you could GROW from them. so that you could understand yourself as the person who experienced it, the person who healed from it, & then the person who could become more than it.

you are not your experiences. you are a person who experiences, & is pushed to grow from them. the more you experience newness as an open & aware being…the more you know all of YOURSELF - the many versions of yourself. & there are infinite versions of you.

when you continue to re-experience life the way you always have, you may never truly grow. you may never truly experience something new. you may never get to know ALL of yourself.

& this is why growth is so interesting because it doesn’t just happen. we grow only when we choose to. we GROW when we decide that we want to experience more than what we already have…as the person who already has.

& that’s why growth is so incredibly uncomfortable because you are actively going against the self that you have always existed as - the only self that you have really known.

as we all know, the unknown is terrifying. (this sentence in itself has space for growth - collectively speaking).

but another thing that is terrifying, is re-experiencing every moment in your life the exact same way, as only one version of yourself, & with the capacity for nothing more than what you think you know.

blog three: choosing myself, for myself & my health

my health journey hasn't been an easy one.

fears after fears have come. some have gone, some have lingered & some, I still continue to transmute daily.

people have called it a battle, & for some time it truly felt like that - an unending battle. & yet there have been so many different kinds…physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual. 

i know one day I will go into some of these depths, you might even catch a glimpse of them in my poems. but for now, I want to express just how important it was for me & for others to change my mindset & my beliefs, about myself & about my life. because for a long time, I didn't think there was a choice when it came to "being okay". however you might define it. but in time I realized there was, & that there always had been.

i never thought I deserved goodness. i never thought I was worth it. & for as long as I can remember I gave all my goodness to those I loved, & to those who needed it.

when I found out one day my health was at risk, there wasn’t an abrupt change within me - as if I suddenly just started caring enough about myself. the only changes I felt, besides the illumination of some very dark fears, was an intense need to take care of my family.

it was because I cared about others, that I felt like I had to have hope, & that I had to choose myself. & so, for a long while, I chose myself, to have hope for myself, so that those that I loved could have hope too. i didn’t want their fears, that were so similar to my own, to come true. i didn’t want their hearts to break, because of me. it felt like the cruelest thing I could do - to hurt them with my “sickness”.

this was the shift I felt at first. this desire to show them that I would be okay, just so that they didn’t have to worry. but time & time again, this shift, this mindset, this type of drive (to survive for the sake of others) was never enough. there was defeat after defeat. & so many times I felt like the universe was trying to break me.

it was only when I chose myself, for myself, that my health improved.

i don’t quite remember the first moment that my mindset changed, when i knew my subconscious & conscious beliefs, my lack of self-love, my low self-worth, & my need to please others above myself (at all times), was destroying any chance i had at becoming healthy again.

but slowly I began to love myself, hope for myself, & trust myself because I at some point, I wanted to do it for ME. i wanted to believe that I could have goodness. that I could have joy, peace, happiness, love & freedom. & then it kind of started to seem like the universe wanted the same for me.

so now, every day, I choose it all - again & again, & again.

& now I am the happiest & so far healthiest I have ever been. & still, I will continue to choose myself, to love myself, & want more for myself because I know now, that all along…

i was worth it.

this is why my health journey is no longer a battle. so, however you'd define it is up to you. but I choose to be healthy, to be happy & to be so full of love, that anything of its opposites has no space to exist within me.

fear still comes, anger still arises, & darkness encourages me to remember & reflect upon all of my pain every now & then. & through each uncomfortable triggering emotion, memory, thought & toxic conditioned cycle - I hold space, I surrender, I let go & I choose love. for me. for you. & for everyone.

we all deserve a life of love, joy, peace & freedom. we all are worth it.

so if you want it, you just have to start choosing it.

you have to start choosing YOU, for YOU.

sending love & light always, Bella.

blog two: creating your sacred space

As humans, we are so easily subjected to the external and internal pressures of our worlds. It can be stressful, and anxiety-inducing, and can also impact our ability to balance and manage emotions. So, in this blog post, I have answered some of the most frequently asked questions about - creating a sacred space - stemming from my own personal experiences.

What is a sacred space, and why is it important to have one?

Whether you are spiritual, religious, or neither, a sacred space is important for everyone to have. In our lives, we can get so overwhelmed by the pressures and issues of others. So much so, that we tend to forget about our own needs. A sacred space allows us to manage our needs, for a large variety of purposes.

However, the purpose of your sacred space is truly up to you.

A sacred space is an area, a location, a space, that is all yours. It is a space that provides you with comfort, in times of discomfort, it is a space that allows you to feel grounded and secure within yourself and your world. A sacred space is your special place where you can simply be, feel at ease, and focus solely on yourself. There are no real requirements when it comes to the creation of your sacred space, except for the fact that it is for you.

It is important as individuals to have a special somewhere where we can breathe easy, rest easy, and simply be at ease.

You can have a number of sacred spaces. You might even find that you are the type of person who can go anywhere and feel at ease. However, for those that struggle to find peace within their busy and hectic lives, a space dedicated solely to you and your well-being may be vital for your ability to function "properly" in our intense world.

For those of you needing more than just a respite from the busyness of your world, and are looking for a way to heal, release, and practice self-love. Creating a sacred space to do this is the best way to start this kind of journey. To heal from and release trauma, conditioning and limited self-beliefs, a sacred space is essential, as personal healing requires you to go deeper within. A sacred space will provide you with the foundation, the grounding, and the physical safety to do this and feel comfortable doing so.

How do I choose the right location for my sacred space?

My sacred space is somewhere away from all the noise of my own external reality. In my home, it is my meditation corner, next to a bookcase filled with my favorite books that sit just below a large window, with a side table to the left that holds an array of large and small crystals. In this space, I also have a small mirror that I use for a number of meditative practices. When I use this space, I am sat on my meditation pillow with a candle lit, and sage or incense burning away. This is where I can simply be.

The "right" location is personal and specific to you, your needs, and your desires. Finding somewhere quiet, with easy access to solitude helps, as well as somewhere you can be comfortable sitting or lying down. The size of the space doesn’t really matter, as long as you feel safe, and secure, and are able to be at peace when using the space.

Your body will tell you if it is not the “right” spot. You will feel your body's discomfort and inability to relax. You might even feel stressed or unable to "turn off", with regards to leaving behind the pressures of your outer world. However, when you feel calm, at ease, and grounded in your space, you will know then that it is your sacred space, and that you can go there for all reasons related to you.

What are the essential elements to include in a sacred space?

As I said earlier, there are no actual rules for creating your sacred space. Depending on the purposes of this space, the "essential" elements might differ.

For those needing a space to relax and rejuvenate, you might want to bring a comfy pillow, blanket, and a way to listen to the music you love.

For those needing a space for healing, you might want the same, with the added elements of a journal for expressing thoughts and feelings. As well as a mirror for practicing self-love, and getting comfortable saying affirmations to your reflection.

For those on a spiritual journey, you may want to add tarot or oracle cards, a candle or two, crystals, incense, Sage, Palo Santo, and anything that helps you connect to your higher self.

Again, what you bring to your sacred space depends on the things you want and the things you need. As long as you are comfortable and can relax, the physical materials aren't essential. They are simply tools that add to the energy of the space that you have already created.

How do I cleanse and purify a space before setting it up as a sacred space?

Cleansing a space is important. Scared or not, energies can linger in any place and on any person. Luckily there are so many ways to cleanse and purify a space so that only your energy remains. Remember your sacred space is for you, and removing any energies from your space that aren't yours will be beneficial to you and your personal journey.

• Smudging Sage, Palo Santo, or Incense in your space can clear away any negative energies, including those that aren't yours.

• Decluttering your space can also clear and remove any energetic blockages and be a physical representation for releasing old energy, emotions, and ties to things that are no longer essential for you or your life anymore. 

• Visualizations and intention setting can also help with cleansing. This involves closing your eyes, taking deep breaths, and visualizing a bright light or cleansing energy flowing through you and your space, for the purpose of removing any negativity.

• Moonlight and Sunlight can also help to cleanse the space and any items in it. You can simply place your crystals, tarot cards, or other objects in direct moonlight or sunlight to recharge and cleanse them. You can also set your intention for the cleansing process as you leave them out overnight or during the day. Simply opening a window or blinds, allowing moon and sun rays into your space can provide cleansing also.

• Crystals such as clear quartz, black tourmaline, and selenite, are known for their cleansing properties, and as such will also aid in cleansing your space. You can place them in your space or hold them in your hands while setting an intention to clear the energy.

What are some simple rituals or practices that I can incorporate into my sacred space?

Some of the cleansing routines I listed above, can be included in the daily rituals or practices for your sacred space. However, depending on the purposes of the space you may want to add some additional practices to help ground, release, heal and transform yourself, emotions, and energies.

Some of these practices or rituals could be;

• Journalling - e.g. personal reflections, expressing emotions, purging trauma, shadow work, etc.

• Daily meditation - e.g. for grounding, daily intentions, connecting with your higher self, inner child healing, improving self-awareness, etc.

• Affirmations - e.g. for self-love, confidence, safety, grounding, abundance, good health, etc.

• Visualizations - e.g. for cleansing, grounding, manifesting, improving vibration, etc.

• Manifestations - e.g. for love, abundance, health, travel, etc.

• Gratitude rituals - e.g. gratitude list, vocal affirmations, etc.

• Pulling Oracle or Tarot cards - e.g. asking for guidance, energy check-ins, spiritual insights, etc.

• Listening to music or sound baths - e.g. for meditation, relaxation, inspiration, manifestations, etc.

I hope I have answered some of the questions that you might have had with regard to creating a sacred space. All of my answers stemmed from my personal experiences, and what worked best for me. So please remember that what works for me, might not work for you - and that’s okay! Always go within, and listen to your own personal needs in order to know what’s best for you.

If you have any questions or want to know more about anything spiritual or healing related, feel free to DM me on Instagram @angelbybellak, or email me via the contact me page.

All my love & light, Bella <3

blog one: a guiding light for others

For a long time, I have struggled with over-giving to others. 

Thankfully, at this current point in my life, I feel that am finally able to say goodbye to this narrative. A narrative that involved choosing others over myself, always. Where my thoughts, my feelings, and my well-being, were never my first priority. 

A part of me enjoyed being selfless. I liked being there for others and giving them everything I could to help them in any way, shape, or form. But the issue was - I never had anything left to give myself. It would be true to say that my cup had always been half full/half empty. And whatever I did have in this cup, id be pouring into others. Leaving me drained, empty, and with nothing left to give - to myself or others. 

There are so many reasons why I lived like this for so long, but we’ll talk about that some other time.

Today, I want to address how we help others. The way I felt and still occasionally feel, when all I want to do is help someone because I feel I know exactly what they need, to overcome whatever struggles they are going through. 

And sure, as amazing as it is that over time I have accumulated so many tools, resources, and solutions for myself and the people that I love. It always got to a point where no matter what I said, or much I said it - essentially spoon-feeding people with everything they need to fix their problems - they were never going to get it unless THEY were ready to fix it. 

They were never going to overcome or grow from whatever issues or life struggles they were going through if they weren’t ready to truly be open and help themselves. Unfortunately, for me, this was always a tough pill to swallow. I couldn't understand, why people wouldn't want all of the solutions to all of their problems. For a time, I blamed myself for not being a better support person for them. 

I'm grateful to have realised it had nothing to do with me. 

It’s like the old saying goes, you can bring a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink. And just like what I was doing, I can spoon-feed them all I want, but I can't make them use it for their personal benefit, to help themselves get out of their situation. 

After some time, I realised that even this spoon-feeding wasn't doing me or them any good. I was giving them the solutions and they were saving them for dessert. I’d be pouring myself silly, and they would be drinking it all up. I was still being left empty, and they were quickly getting full of stuff that wasn’t even theirs. 

Essentially, I was figuring out the meaning, the reasons, and the lessons behind the obstacles and tests in their life. I was solving what was theirs, and hoping that they’d be able to live life easier. Instead, I was taking away their chance to grow, both as an individual as a soul and their ability to experience life in its truest form. 

I was inhibiting them from truly understanding and benefiting from their life lessons. This meant that, in time, a similar pattern would emerge, with similar underlying issues to test them yet again, to see if they had truly healed, overcome, or grown from what they learned previously. 

But instead of them having their own understanding, I'd be needed once more to give them the same learnings from the lesson that they’d already experienced before. The lesson, that I had already learned for them, in hopes that they’d have it easier next time around. 

I was also draining myself frequently, in hopes that my constant support for others would be enough to fill me up and make me feel good. Yet, it was never enough, and I was a cup that was never full. 

So now I understand what it means to truly be a guiding light for others. 

It doesn't mean solving their problems and issues for them. It doesn’t mean pouring everything into someone else and forgetting about yourself, to be selfless and empathetic. It doesn't mean learning their lessons and taking on their burdens so they have it easier. It doesn't mean making them understand before they are ready to. 

Life lessons are unique to us as individual souls. We are here to learn, to grow, and to evolve, and we can’t do that if we allow others to do it all for us. It is our responsibility as individuals, to learn, experience, and feel what is ours. It is also not our responsibility as individuals to give all the solutions to someone who we think needs it. 

You will never learn if you do not experience life lessons for yourself. You will never grow if you allow others to make life easier for you. You will never evolve if you aren’t open or willing to do what’s best for yourself. 

It’s like butterfly language and caterpillar people. Both as equal to the other, both as unique and special as the other, and both as deserving as the other. Yet they are still different from one another. 

You cannot make someone understand something, you can only bring awareness to them and hope that in time they will be open to learning and understanding how they can use it to their advantage, to benefit them and their growth, and to evolve from their personal life lesson.

You cannot give understanding to someone who is not ready to understand. You cannot do the work for them and then hope that they’ve grown. You cannot pour all of yourself into someone else, and expect your cup to be full. You cannot live someone else's life lesson and trust that they’ve learned. 

Insight is all you can give. Perspective is all you can give. Awareness is all you can give.  

Be a guiding light, not their light source. 

All my love <3